Things that make me laugh about Guatemala

I`m back! Back in Chiché after an absence of almost 6 weeks! Why? I succumbed to the inevitable fate awaiting most Westerners whose internal systems are a little too clean for the array of bugs and bacteria abundant in this continent. Yep. I drank a glass of clear water which looked so pure and innocent but alas! Invisibly concealed within were a selection of wee nasties just waiting to do me in! And done in I was, well and truly, as coming on for two months later I am still suffering the consequences… but eventually I had to bite the bullet and get back to work, ill or not. So here I am, and very pleased to be here. The culture shock (after spending six weeks in Antigua) lasted two days, and now I feel content and at ease. Admittedly there are still a few hangers-on of the flea population which had colonised my house before I went away, but so far even their bites are not too bothersome. Probably so used to it by now… (better not speak too soon!).

So it was straight back into massive production of decorations for the library float for the Independence Day parade, on the 15th of September. Whilst fully immersed in the making of super-giant butterflies, Queen providing a suitably energy-stimulating soundtrack (whilst allowing me to relive my youth!) and I found myself wondering how I ended up with a career doing this? Especially when the butterflies were chased by a dragonfly, all hovering over a quivering garden of enormous flowers and books…

I am compiling a collection of anecdotes; images of Guatemala which make me laugh…

Everyone`s a chav in Guatemala. Or at some point in their life they are… but here there`s a gender variation; chavo or chava. I guess chava must be like chav-ette, like ladette. No, I am being grossly unjust. Chavo just means “guy” and likewise chava “girl”, but in the wake of chavism sweeping the UK, I could not help but giggle.

Directions. The Guatemalans are hopeless. They are so bad at giving directions, it`s funny. I know better now than to hope to actually find my way to a destination by asking a local. The answer is always the same, with a generous sweep of the hand and an inclination of the head, they utter some directional words of vagueness, such as “está por allá” (it`s over there) or better still “recto y después se cruza” (straight on and then at some completely undefined point you cross over). Cross what? When? Where? It`s hilarious. After 8 months of receiving such vague responses, I may have worked out why. I think it is because these people have lived all their lives in the same town and imagine that you just must know. It`s a small place after all. Well that theory works for small towns, but they`re just as bad in cities. So therefore I must just give up and give in and be charmed instead of finding my way.

Teeth. I know it`s all the rage in Hackney, but man, you ain`t never seen gold teeth like these! The variety of crowns, caps and pure aesthetic decorations displayed in every full-frontal grinning your way must be seen to be believed! I used to wince whenever I caught a flash of a set of gold stars mounted in the centre of every incisor, but now it`s par for the course. Cosmetic dentistry is a sure bet if you`re looking for a career in Guatemala.

Marimba. The national music of Guatemala, essentially several very large xylophones each manned by several musicians, has finally found a foothold in my heart. I was at a “15 years old” party the other night (coming of age celebration for girls), dancing in the sala, walls crammed with family photographs and proudly displayed certificates of achievement, a glance in the mirror proving that I was a full head above every single other person in the room, all waltzing to marimba. Since that night, one song (probably the most popular marimba song ever) has revealed itself to me again and again. Wherever I go, it follows me. I humbly accept that this must mean I like it. Of course this means I will now have to acquire it so you can all be initiated into the love of marimba at my return party…!

¡Los nervios! This is an enchanting trait. At first, I was surprised that so many people seemed to be suffering from some kind of nervous disorder, until I realised that nerves are blamed for most illnesses. And it is exclaimed with such conviction. “Ah, ¡son los nervios!” So people are constantly popping tranqillizers (albeit natural) and injecting themselves with calming preparations. Not to say that we aren`t all a bunch of hypochondriacs all around the world, but here the amount of medication that gets prescribed is awesome! Hugito, my host mother`s son, currently has a sore throat, and Judy came back from a visit to the doctor with a carrier bag full of remedies. Last week Alba, the librarian, had an upset stomach and returned from the doc with 4 prescriptions. And then there`s me, recently having completely my sixth set of drugs (antibiotics or whatever) to try and kill the nasties which are lodged in my guts, and now I`m taking friendly pills to counteract all the damage caused…welcome to Guatemala Kay! Now I`ve joined the drug-consuming clan!

The lingo. One of the most charming aspects of being in Guatemala is learning to appreciate the nuances and local variations in the language. And no, I`m not talking about the Mayan dialects (of which there are over 20!). I turned down the opportunity for free classes in K’iché, preferring instead to concentrate on the old español. This is muy diferente from castellano in España and I am picking up some wonderful expressions which are pure Guatemalteco. Pues, si, Voz, ¿que onda?

Queens. Guatemala is obsessed with queens. There is always a spread every day of the week in the national paper of local, regional, national or international queens, recently crowned and beaming with their sashes proudly announcing their status. The giant fruit project I did back in July was for a float for the queen of one of the schools in Chiché. There she sat, proud and regal, amid a selection of giant pineapples, avocados, bananas, apples and oranges. Chiché accepted the deviation from a more normal display with very good humour indeed.

The headgear. Absolutely fabulous. As you can imagine, I`m in my element! I have never, ever seen such an incredible variety of headdresses, and here, it`s not fancy dress. It`s real life! I love them all, from the old geezers with brown, wizened faces wrinkled like prunes beneath their jaunty wide-brimmed cowboy stetsons to the indigenous women with 10 metres of woven braid wound round and round their skulls, or a cluster or large, bushy, multicoloured pompoms arranged all down one side of their heads. Then of course, with each headdress goes the traditional costume. The more I get to know Guatemala, the more I am appreciating and learning about the dress culture. Every town has its own unique traje and they are all incredibly varied. It`s quite mezmerising; the colour overload assaults one`s senses and boy does it make our dress culture look drab! All this, and only in Guatemala! So pleased I am here to experience this! I know what you`re all thinking… what will she be wearing when she comes back? Just wait!!!